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Christmas Day
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Author: Scorpio Title: Christmas Day Link:http://winglin.net/fanfic/scorpio02/ Reviewer: [ Sung.ii.ee ] Site: VST http://ver-sah-tyle.blogspot.com Title: 3/5 Not impressed. Even if it matches to your plotline, it's in the spirit of the Holidays and it shows the timeline of your actions... I wouldn't click it in a list of fanfics like winglin main page, you understand... One suggestion is elaborating the title, adding one or two words that describe your plot better. Poster/Background: 5/10 The color clash went my eyes go X_X O_O x_x o_o, if you know what I mean, LOL. The poster and background were rather poorly made, and no offense, but the girl in the poster freaked me out a tad bit... I appreciate the artist's effort he/she put in your poster, but the background threw it off :/ Forewords: 5/10 Even for a one shot, it's too short, too brief, not descriptive enough... From the forewords, I couldn't see any of the characters. Maybe only the main girl's (which I don't know her name in her forewords) part of personality that describes impatience, and I'm not gonna elaborate a huge philosophical essay describing all the other characteristics involving that 'impatient' side, but someone who wouldn't try that would just stay with the idea that... Well, her father is away from home. Also, adding a bit of description would've boosted my interest to go on. Try adding the starting scenery and some description of feelings or something right after the speech line. As for your last line, believe me that I didn't understand it at all :/ BUT. Then, I saw that you developped it quite well in the first chapter. I'm not into that kind of stories, that start with a brief summary of something where I don't know who says what and under what circumstances. If it were for it to be a drama/movie trailer, I would accept it, since the characters are portraited in there and you can see who's who and stuff like that, you understand me? Plot: 7/15 Not... My tastes. In means of it just shows a man coming back home on Christmas Day, with his children and wife eagerly waiting. I was expecting some kind of love story between the two Xiao Jies, but my jaw dropped when I saw he was actually her father. Everything was brief and to the point, description was only in parts it was vital for it to be and... well, that was pretty much all, since dialogue didn't point out too much either. Creativity/Originality: 2/15 Nothing special, nothing spectacular, almost nothing original. No offense, but most Christmas movies nowadays are based on this idea, but even more, developped into a huge adventure of the man who's coming home. You should've added some twists and turns, jaw-dropping events and so on. Flow: 8/10 No major problems, considering it was a one shot. Though, I would've liked you not to separate the paragraphs, but relate them by some lines that would link certain actions to the ones in the following paragraph, you get my idea? Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10 -applause- Great. No spelling errors (or some I didn't see), but I won't deduct a point for that last phrase in your forewords, since it may be a thing of fast typing (yet, I did for other small errors that a huge grammar nazi like me would observe). Your vocabulary is good, and easy to understand, since your readers may not have English as their first language (neither do I), and you chose your words so they would all read your story without a dictionary next to them. Congrats! Characterization: 7/10 I didn't really understand - XiaoJie is your main female character and Xiao Jie is her father? I took it right from the start, and that threw me off a bit: "XiaoJie sat by the window with her elbows propped up [...] Xiao Jie, as a businessman, often goes [...]". You see? Then, "XiaoJie thought [...] XiaoJie laughed [...]". What am I supposed to know who that is? I am aware of the fact that Xiao Jie is a common and unisex name, but I tried to think that it's the girl doing that... Pointing that out in the forewords would've helped LOTS ^^'''. Also, what age are they? I understand that their age doesn't change throughout the plot, am I right? Writing Style: 7/10 I have no problems with your writing style, but I still think adding detail to the conversations to express their feelings while speaking would add a plus to your story and another reason for us to read on. You balanced well description with dialogue, and I appreciate that. Keep up the good work. Overall Enjoyment: 2/5 To be frank, I didn't quite enjoy it. I expected some cute Christmas love story, since it was between the Xiao Jies, but I was rather disappointed when I saw the shortness and cliche-ness of your story. Sub-Total: 55/100 Extras: 4/5 I might have been a bit acid and sour in my criticizing, but that's what reviewers are for, right? Please don't take it personally, I only want you to improve (: I'm looking forward to reading more of your stories and finding your improvement. Hwaiting! ^_^ Total: 59/105 (0 happiness)
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