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Cold Hearted Men [Review]
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Author: Beastly.Oppas! Title: Cold Hearted Men [COMPLETE] Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/coldheartmen/ Reviewer: >akachannn Site: VST http://ver-sah-tyle.blogspot.com Title: 4/5 I'm usually a fan of short, simple titles, and this is no exception. It grabs the reader's attention and gives a slight preview of what the boys are like without spoiling too much. I must admit, though, it only matched the beginning acts of the boys. Poster/Background: 10/10 It's REALLY pretty! (I'm saving that photo! xD) It shows the dark mood of the story and gives off the boys' charismatic and distant/cold attitudes. I like the placement and photo of the girl - it's dark and matches well with how she's been acting in the story. Really well done. It wasn't hard on the eyes and I didn't have to highlight anything to be able to read it. Forewords: 8/10 You described the characters well, gave their backgrounds, explained the plot, and wrote down the rating, title, genre, etc. Very well done. I think you should've added a teaser, though. It doesn't have to be very long, but a few lines preview of what the story's going to be like would've been helpful. Or at least put a little bit of the first chapter as a preview. Not too much, but just enough to keep the reader interested in reading your story. I think that the beginning of your first chapter should've been included in the teaser, because I think it would go easily with it. (From the beginning of your first chapter) Your POV *kick* *kick* “Who is it?” I yelled from the living room to the front door. But no one answered, instead there was more kicking at the door. I groaned and got up to open the door. My dad was pushed in through the door and fell onto the floor. He had a bruised eye and his was bleeding from his lips, nose, and from the cuts on his arms and legs. I glared at the man who had dumped him here, and tried to help my dad up. But instead my dad slapped my hand away and stuttered, “Th-that’s her! Take her! Please spare me! T-take her and d-don’t come t-to me a-anymore!” I stood up and stared at him in complete shock, “What?!” The guy that was still waiting at the door came towards me and circled around me, “Hmm, you said she was eighteen?” Dad nodded, “Y-yes! She’s eighteen and she’s all I got. Pl-please take her and l-leave me alone!” I looked at my dad in disbelief, “Appa! How can you do this to me?! After Mom died you said you wouldn’t do anything like this anymore! Appa—“ Plot: 9/15 The plot didn't really have any outstanding moments until you get to the middle or end. It was pretty predictable in the beginning (excluding the deaths of Byunghee and Kikwang) and predictable moments came here and there throughout the story. Although I've read tons of gang stories, this is the first one I've read where the gang kidnaps the girl. I could be wrong, however, considering how many fanfics there are in the Internet, let alone Winglin. Creativity/Originality: 8/15 I've read so many gang stories on Winglin up to now, so this is nothing new. But like I've said, this is the first one I've read where the girl's dad owes them so they take her instead. [SPOILER] But the part when she gets cancer is your practical K-Drama or story - I've seen it way too many times to count. You don't know how many writers - fanfic authors and screen writers alike - have used cancer as a point of death for their main characters. Flow: 8/10 I think the story flowed fairly well.You kept it going nicely, although I felt as if you rushed it at some parts - especially the ending. [SPOILER] Mir only had one date with her and they already get married? Most girls would tell him to wait and that they weren't ready. Don't rush the story, no matter how much you want to end it. Keep it in mind. Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10 I reckon that somewhere in the first chapter, you stated that Doojoon was her boyfriend. In the end of chapter one and chapters to follow, you said that Kikwang was her boyfriend. It confused me at first, so I'd suggest fixing it. A misspelled word or typo here and there is about it. It was so hard for me to find anything wrong with your spelling and grammar so I'd have to give you credit for that. One suggestion, however, is to use higher vocabulary (but don't make it so complicated that I'd have to pull out a college level dictionary - there's younger readers out there). Characterization: 6/10 At first, every character had his/her own distinct personality. But as the story went on, they've all turned into the same character! With the exception of Joon (who somewhat kept his original personality), every character seemed to lose every single bit of their coldness. I understand that this fic is one of those 'characters change with the main girl' stories, but it would be nice if you would've given them the same personality they've had in the beginning. Even so, they all had the same coldness that it was hard to distinguish who did what. Writing Style: 9/10 Your paragraphs were written and spaced out neatly. I really like your writing style. (In fact, I'm a fan of your stories ^^) Your writing has really good quality, but I don't think it's descriptive enough. I think that you've focused too much on dialogue rather than painting a picture into your readers' heads. Overall Enjoyment: 5/5 I'm a fan of MBLAQ, so this story was even more enjoyable to me. I've loved every single one of your stories and this is no exception. From "Who Do I Choose?" to "He's Perfect," there's not a single story of yours I've disliked :) The story was well-written as well as entertaining. It was a lovely read ^^ Sub-Total: 76/100 Extras: 5/5 One for requesting from Ver-sah-tyle // One for being such a good writer // Two because I'm a fan of yours! ^^ // One for writing about MBLAQ<3 Total: 81/105 (0 happiness)
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