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Second Heart
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Author: BabyCopGurl Title: Second Heart Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/BabyCopGurl_07/ Reviewer: >akachannn Site: VST http://ver-sah-tyle.blogspot.com Title: 5/5 It suits your story well, especially after you explained the heart transplant. It really stands out and grabs my attention. It's very unique(; Poster/Background: 9/10 Its so pretty! And the color makes it easy to read the words, so I didn't have to highlight anything. But you could've included both girls, but I understand why you only put one girl, since Hae Ri stayed in the story longer. Forewords: 10/10 I was absolutely addicted after just reading your forewords! It's simple, yet tells the reader enough to understand what they'll be reading about. I like how you put a preview of a later part of the story in your forewords and used it as an introduction. The beginning paragraph instantly caught my and continued my urge to read. I like how you used it as more of a chapter, rather than putting a summary. Plot: 15/15 Your plot was very interesting to read! I love how you connected two relationships and turned it into a lovely story. The part when Kevin committed suicide was EPIC! It was really sad, but the meaning behind it warmed my heart. You had me laughing, nearly-tearing, and hanging on the edge of my seat. I like how you made Ji Soo such a kind person; kind enough to give her heart to a stranger. Then later having Kevin and Heechul meet once again at the graveyard was a nice scene. I like how Hae Ri cares for Kevin, even though they're practically strangers. Creativity/Originality: 13/15 Winglin is a large place with tons of stories, so there's no doubt that there's a story similar to this. However, the heart transplant was a nice twist. I must admit, though, that I've read stories that were alike in some ways. Stories with characters dying from a fatal illness are more than common. You see them in dramas, movies, TV shows, fanfics, and what-not. But I see a lot of points in this fic that I don't read in most stories. Flow: 10/10 You kept the story going constantly. You weren't stuck on one scene, and it wasn't too fast. You elaborated enough on one scene so that I could understand what was going on. Then when you described enough, you moved on to a new scene, instead of adding rants or extra sentences that weren't needed. Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10 I noticed that you used commas instead of periods often. There really no spelling errors, excluding the first example (you wrote 'life' instead of 'line'). You would occasionally end a paragraph/sentence with a comma. Ex: (Forewords) You wrote: Hae Ri was the first in life for a heart transplant so Ji Soo’s heart now belongs to Hae Ri. My version: Ji Soo's heart now belongs to Hae Ri, since she was the first in line for a heart transplant. (Forewords) You wrote: Kevin looked at him and walked towards him, My version: Kevin look at the stranger and walked to him. (Chapter 1) You wrote: I’m grateful for the person who gave me their heart, I promise to take care of it! My version: I'm grateful to the person who gave me their heart. I promise that I'll take care of it! (Chapter 1) You wrote: Heechul and I are boy friends and girl friends but we live together, once we got home we sat on the couch and watched TV. My version: Heechul and I live together since we're dating. Once we got home, we sat on the couch and watched TV. (Chapter 1) You wrote: “What’s wrong?” Heechul asked, I looked at him and shook my head, I didn’t know what was wrong either. The stranger walked away as I felt a tug on my heart I didn’t want him to go without knowing my mouth let out a scream, My version: "What's wrong?" Heechul asked. I looked at him and shook my head because I didn't know what was wrong either. The stranger walked away as I felt a tug on my heart. I didn't want him to leave. I unconciously let out a scream. (Chapter 2) You wrote: He looked so sad and broken, my heart is tearing apart I don't know how to control these feelings. My verson: He looked so sad and broken. My heart is breaking apart and I don't know how to control my feelings. (Chapter 2) You wrote: The next morning I woke up and saw that Heechul was not in bed, where did he go? My version: The next morning, I woke up and noticed that Heechul wasn't in bed. Where'd he go? Characterization: 9/10 It was easy for me to figure out the characters' personalities. In an instant, I knew that Ji Soo was a kind person. Kevin cared a lot for Ji Soo. Heechul was grateful that Hae Ri was alive. Hae Ri was even more thankful to be given a heart. Their personalities were very realistic and easily relatable. They're the kinds of people that you just can't help but love. Their actions were very admirable and meaningful. Writing Style: 10/10 I really like your style. It's simple, yet descriptive and easy to read. I like the way you describe. You don't make it too difficult. I like how you don't write in gigantic paragraphs, nor do you write in one sentence paragraphs. You equally divide the fic between dialogue and description, giving the reader a vivid description without forgetting about the words coming from the characters' mouths. Overall Enjoyment: 5/5 (Chapter 1) “Hey Heechul do you know the owner to my heart?” I asked while turning the TV volume down. “Of course! It’s ME!” He smiled. I don't know why, but this was my favorite part! (: (Chapter 1) “Tomorrow is her birthday I want to visit her grave and give her some flowers.” Heechul nodded, “I’ll go with.” I thought this was so sweet! I saw the kindness in Hae Ri and made me love her character from this line! (Chapter 2) "You can't leave me Hae Ri. I can’t let you go even if you wanted to leave...because I have your baby!" I was shocked and looked at him then quickly turned on the lamp next to the bed. I looked at Heechul and noticed he was sleep talking again. "Aish this guy! Always talking in his sleep." I felt relief and started to laugh at the thought of him carrying my child in his belly. I turned off the lamp and went back to bed, this is where I belong! You KILLED me at this part! It was hilarious! xD Sub-Total: 92/100 Extras: 4/5 One for getting me so attatched to this fic, one for requesting from Ver-sah-tyle, one for writing so amazingly, and one more for being my first review! :D Total: 96/105 From my grade scale, a 96 is an A ;) Thanks for requesting! (0 happiness)
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