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♥ Momentum [Review]
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Story Title: Momentum Author: BoBoLi0us Story Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Recollection02/ Reviewer: Cari @ ver-sah-tyle Title: - 4/5 Although the title is addressed as a theme at the end of the story, the story wasn't really able to clearly explain the title. the end with how she will wait to hold his hand would have been a perfect ending to define the motivation he provided her with. However, the story went on to include how she will reminisce when she sees him, which doesn't leave a lasting driving force. Poster/Background: - 8/10 The color scheme was able to highlight the lasting feeling of the poem and allow readers to easily read the story, but the story will have looked better with a faded background. there needs to be a bit of color besides black and white in the poster to show the momentum did last, even for awhile. Forewords: - 7/10 The forewords basically gave out the summary of the story; so that the story only had additional details. However, the summary still can hook a few readers in to continue reading. There was the addition of characters' names along with an author's note. The foreword is suppose to get the reader thinking with interest of the endless possibilities in the story and not just to read to find out the passing events between the beginning and the end. Plot: - 12/15 The overall plot is like several other stories, but there was a twist added to the story. there was a chronological order of events that moved from event to event with beginning to an end. Using only one other character with the reader enhanced the reader's connection with a simple story. Creativity/Originality: - 13/15 The way the story is written and the ideas in the story are different; however, the overall theme is similar to many other stories outside. The storyline is also fairly predictable. I encourage you to keep on trying out new techniques on how to write the upcoming story or expand on this style. The use of symbolism was nicely put together. Flow: - 8/10 The story doesn't flow as smoothly due to the sentence structure and gaps in time although the readers were kept aware of the ages of the characters. The way the story is written has each part in summaries of the way events proceeded during that time didn't give as clear a picture of the story as a whole. Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: - 7/10 Be careful of the way the sentences are written and the diction used. Punctuation is not as important, but they do play a part in the evaluation. "He looked even younger than me, for he was," which should have been "he looked even younger than me; for he was..." "Sleek, smooth, and dope," what does dope mean (dumb or in relation to drug? "She had embarrassed herself by acting like crazy, vulgar woman in front of Jay’s friends, and she had to step to take down." The sentence doesn't really make sense. Did you mean "She had embarrassed herself by acting like [a] crazy, vulgar woman in front of Jay’s friends, and she had to [take a step] down. " you don't need to repeat the possessive pronoun twice "dapped on her bottom of her eyes" because it sounds better as "dapped on the bottom of her eyes." Characterization: - 8/10 Characterizations were a bit sketchy. Although the ages of the characters are given and a few choice words were used to describe the characters, the true identity and feel of the characters didn't come out. there should be more uses of descriptive words and more action for readers to be able to imagine how the characters will act in real life. Writing Style: - 8/10 The writing style is unique with a theme and then summaries of important events the author wanted readers to know, but there wasn't enough details to illustrate the story in readers' mind. There should be more descriptions along with characterization. Proof-reading is needed due to sentence structure and wording. The writing style needs to be improved with more experiences and ideas. The writing in first person enhanced the way the story is perceived. Overall Enjoyment: - 3/5 I can't help but to feel a bit frustrated over a few sentences; however, I felt that the whole story was easy to comprehend. I only wished that a few more details were added here and there to improve the imagination for a better result in visualizing and forming a clear, overall picture. Sub Total: - 78/100 Bonus: - 2/5 I hope that you would not feel discouraged by the grading, but rather, use it as a guide to improve. I hope the bonus will encourage you to keep on writing and thank you for requesting. Total: - 80/100 (0 happiness)
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