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Smiling Cheesecake
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Author: NyanNyan Title: Smiling Cheesecake Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/nyannyan/ Reviewer: >akachannn Site: VST http://ver-sah-tyle.blogspot.com' Title: 5/5 Despite being quite a random title, it's definitely one that'll grab my attention. While scrolling through random fanfics in the index, I'd be likely to check out your story based on the title. Since Winglin doesn't provide a summary while scrolling through fics, an author must rely on his/her title to grab a reader's attention. Poster/Background: 10/10 I personally think it's great. It's really pretty and I didn't have to highlight anything to be able to read your words. The background blended well and the poster is gorgeous! ^____^ Forewords: 3/10 You know what they say, something's better than nothing. Sorry if this sounds harsh but your forewords don't tell me about the story at all! It seems more like a rant than an introduction to your story. Your forewords are supposed to grab the attention of your reader by introducing the characters, plot, etc. Trust me, you'll get more readers if you introduce your story in this way. If I were you, I'd introduce your story this way: Title: Author(s): Rating: Pairing(s): Disclaimer: Credits (poster and background, trailer, etc.): Warnings: Summary: Characters: Preview/Teaser(s): In this way, your readers will know exactly if they want to read your story or not. But what I do like about your forewords was that speech. Honestly, I thought it was pretty cool that you're not Asian. So many people on the Internet keep saying they're Asian when they're not. At least you're proud of who you are n___n~ Plot: 12/15 Your plot is REALLY good! In the two (possibly three) years I've been reading fanfics, this plot is definitely new. It's refreshing, actually. To find a foreigner aspiring to find her dreams in a new country is very... unique, I guess? I like how Jaejoong is being such a fanboy of her and dreams about her when she's not around ^^ I thought it was cute! I like the idea of a Blasian story, actually. It's so predictable to find Asian x Asian or White x White, etc. Blasian is definitely new, which only adds to the fact that the plot is already amazing. <3 Creativity/Originality: 11/15 Like I said, this story is very unique. It's not every day that you stumble across a Blasian fic. Most authors would make their main character(s)' goals to be an artist, singer, dancer, etc. But the fact that Crysta aspires to be a chef/baker is cute. ^^ Even her name, Crysta, is unique! ~ Flow: 2/10 I think you lacked a LOT in this area. The story would often progress so fast that I don't even know what's going on anymore. In the same paragraph, you went immediately to another part of the story, wich can be very confusing to your readers. Learn to pace your story without going too fast, nor keeping your readers uninterested for too long. Build up a climax so that yourr story will go downhill from there. I'd suggest typing out the first few chapters and saving it to your computer (or e-mail accound) and post one chapter regularly once you have typed up enough chapters. In other words, build up a queue for your chapters. Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 4/10 I understand that you've been typing from your Wii and I know how hard that can be. But even so, you should mind your spelling (or at least proofread or get a betareader). There were a lot of typos in your chapters and your vocabulary was very simple and juvenile. Your grammar was pretty good, though. It's obvious that you're a fluent English speaker from the way you type. But I cannot stress this enough: PLEASE mind your spelling. I'm a complete grammar freak, especially when it comes to fanfics. Also, please mind your capitalizations. Characterization: 3/10 Okay, it was hard for me to tell apart each character because they sound exactly the same! Yeah, they all have their dreams, differences, etc. but when you're typing, you can hardly tell the difference between each character! If I didn't know the DBSK boys and just read this fic, I would probably be completely and utterly lost in trying to differentiate the characters and their personalities. In your forewords, I'd suggest typing up the characters' personalities and naming their talents, strengths, weakneses, and flaws. Remember not to make a character sound too perfect or too bitchy. Everyone's human (in most cases) and we can all be different depending on our personalities. Writing Style: 4/10 Honestly, your writing style bugged me a lot. When typing a conversation, a different character's words should be a new paragraph. e.g.: "How was your day, kid?" my older sister asked me as she smacked me upright in the head. "Ow! What the- nevermind." I replied casually, letting her slide just this once. She sat down on our lumpy black couch and grabbed out her cell-phone. "Oh, your friend called earlier. Something about a movie on Friday after school." "Oh. Who was it?" I asked as I took a seat next to her. "Some guy. I forgot his name, but he had a really deep voice." Do you get it? On top of that, I couldn't picture the story at all! You hardly used any descriptive words and therefore, the image of your story was merely a blur. I couldn't imagine anything, so you should work on using more descriptive language. Overall Enjoyment: 3/5 I enjoyed it at some parts, but it was hard for me to fully appreciate the story because it hasn't gotten far yet. But nevertheless, I'm looking forward to reading more ^__^ Sub-Total: 56/100 Extras: 5/5 1- for requesting from Ver-Sah-Tyle; 2-because I apologize for being so harsh; 1-I love DBSK<3; 1-for supporting Blasians ;] Total: 61/105 * Sorry that I'm not Tammy T^T **Oh, and just for future reference, Jaejoong wouldn't be calling that girl his unnie ^^. Boys refer to older boys as hyung and older girls as noona. Girls refer to older boys as oppa and older girls as unnie. Just correcting, please remember this! It's important when writing romanized Korean words in K-Pop fics. (I'm Korean/Japanese/Filipino/Chinese, but mostly Korean. ^^) Kamsahamnida ^^ (0 happiness)
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