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M&Ms-Remember [Review]
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Author:SHINeeFever Title: M&Ms-Remember Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/_reminisce/ Reviewer: astrogirl* Site: VST http://ver-sah-tyle.blogspot.com Title: 3/5 I thought the title was cute, but perhaps it could be more eye-catching. However, it does fit the story, so I give you props for that. Poster/Background: 10/10 Your poster was gorgeous, and it was easy to read the text on the background. I really liked the usage of bright, happy colors in the poster, since it helped cheer up the overall story and reflected the mood of the story as well. Full points! Forewords: 8/10 Your forewords, I thought, were perfect. You included the summary of the story, the characters, and other imperative information that would help the reader understand the story. I think the only thing I would suggest is to move things around a little, so that it would look something like this: General Information Summary Prologue Author's Note Plot: 12/15 Your plot was good, but I feel like it could use a larger conflict than her getting kidnapped by Shindong, Joon, Yoona, and Junhyung. There were times where I just wanted the story to move faster. Because of this, I would suggest using something like a build-up of events (that would lead to her kidnapping) that help create suspense and spark interest in the reader. Creativity/Originality: 10/15 This plot seems very similar to those used in a lot of Asian dramas, where the younger sister of someone comes back and becomes instantly popular. I did like your idea of having other celebrities involved, though it didn't really make sense to me: why would other celebrities be involved? What could they gain from helping Yoona? And why wasn't Yoona checked for mental health before initiated into SNSD? Flow: 6/10 There were parts where I felt like your flow could have moved a little faster, and parts where it could have slowed down. For instance, there were certain times when the main character was meeting or eating or something, and I felt like things really could have progressed there, but the scene moved rather slowly. I suggest making an outline of what you want to happen in each chapter, and then a length limit (whether it's in pages in a word processor or something else). I have found this technique to help me write at a better pace. Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10 There were certain times when your usage of these conventions was a little off. You had very few spelling errors, but I would advise you to look through this again, as sometimes you would spell something wrong. (For instance, the word comfortable only had one 'a' in it.) Secondly, I want to caution you on using acronyms such as "OMG" and to check your capitalization: these errors were few, but they still showed up occasionally. Also, Sometimes your tenses were a bit iffy, like you would suddenly use present tense and then switch back to past tense again. For example, YOU DID: Cute and adorable and always takes care of you when you were little. He was like your second brother. I WOULD RECOMMEND: Cute and adorable, he always took care of you when you were younger. He was like your second brother. And, lastly, there would be times when certain phrasing was just a little awkward. For example, YOU DID: Buckling up her seat belt and getting ready for take off _______ said a little prayer as she felt the plane take off. Flying high into the sky she was finally on her way to Korea. To see her brother, to see the country she had been born in, to see, him. I WOULD RECOMMEND: Buckling up her seat belt and getting ready for take off, _______ said a little prayer as she felt the plane rise into the air. Flying high into the sky, she was finally on her way to Korea -- to see her brother, to see the country she had been born in...to see him. Characterization: 7/10 Your characters were nicely developed; however, the main character had some little quirks. For instance, it seemed to me that she had some mood swings, like she would be acting all cutesy one moment and then acting differently the next. This was an inconsistency which clashed with the story, so I would suggest making a character chart or something that outlines each character's personality traits as well as strengths and weaknesses. Writing Style: 6/10 This one confused me a little bit. In the forewords, you made it sound like the main character was the reader, but you didn't write it from her point of view--that is to say, you didn't write in what's called "second person." You consistently wrote from first person, which isn't bad, but it was a discrepancy with the forewords. Overall Enjoyment: 3/5 This story wasn't bad! The plot was quite nice and SHINee was pretty much how any fan perceives them to be in real life. Sub-Total: 70/100 Extras: 5/5 I like SHINee :D And I like the fact that Key didn't end up with the main character, since he's my bias (although I did feel bad for him...ah, well, I'm a bad person). Total: 75/105 (0 happiness)
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