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Listen to my Heartbeat pt. 2
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Author: 2pmvietguh Title: Listen to my Heartbeat pt. 2 Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1577/listen-to-my-heartbeat-pt-2-2pm-kpop-nichkhun-wooyoung-you Reviewer: EverlastingQ. Site: VST http://ver-sah-tyle.blogspot.com Title: 3/5 The title isn't original or unique enough because we all know that it's one of 2PM boys' songs. The title wasn't relevant to the plot at all, but since it's part two and continuing from the first part, then I guess it's okay. If you could, try to make the plot kinda referring to the title next time. After all, it's your title that captures your readers' eyes. Poster/Background: 9/10 The poster is lovely, I love it. There's not much things to point out. Everything seems to be in the right place but one single thing. On the poster, it says "LISTEN TO MY <3 BEAT PART 2". You shouldn't replace the word heart, with that sign. It can bring confusion to certain readers who do not know what <3 is. Poster is used to attract readers at first sight, you have to make things clear. Anyway, I love how there's a darker shade of pink as the border, and the leaves on the corners, it made the poster less plain and more creative. Forewords: 6/10 Forewards are wonderful and tells the readers a little bit of how the plot is going. But did you read through your forewards? Because I spotted quite a lot of grammar mistakes. Almost once in every paragraph, I noticed that there are rather unnecessary full stops. I don't know whether they're ellipses or you accidentally typed in extras. But from my perspective, I'm pretty sure they're not ellipses but useless full stops. Read through, they're really obvious. I'm gonna show you one of your grammar mistakes, followed by extra full stops. "Omo, there it goes again, I'm having crazy thoughts. .maybe he has another girl over there. he's forgotten about me. He doesn't love me anymore. . Park Jaebeom, etc." The extra full stop was added twice in that short sentence, and do you see your grammar mistake? The first letter in the word 'he's' is meant to be in caps lock, because it's the beginning of a new sentence. Plot: 13/15 The plot was very interesting, even though everything went to fast and had a typical plot. There was some weird parts too. Why is everyone's attention onto the main female character? I don't like it how everyone likes her. Jay, Nichkhun, Wooyoung and Chan Sun. She's got too much attention onto her, it just gives me a rather weird feel to everything. It's exaggerated. Creativity/Originality: 11/15 So overall, I can't say that this story of yours is original or anything like that. I've read other fanfics with similar plots to yours, but you did make a few things creatively unexpected. I thought the girl was going to be with Nichkhun, but she wasn't. Then when I thought she'll be pulled back by Wooyoung, she wasn't. All these are so unexpected. I'm really curious to what will happen in part three. Flow: 6/10 Everything was going way too fast at the start. From the girl's break up with Jay, to Nichkhun's confession, to Wooyoung's confession, to the girl started dating Wooyoung, to all the break ups, to her leaving Seoul and the 2PM boys. You shouldn't have made Nichkhun confess so easily without any hesitation. Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10 I understand it's normal for someone to have certain spelling and grammar mistakes. As I said before, there are unnecessary full stops in your forewords and throughout the whole story. They're really obvious, and I'm sure you'll be able to notice them if you reread your chapters. Please read over your chapters. You have to watch when, where and how you use your apostrophes. They're in the wrong places. There was a few times where you would have an apostrophe after the word Hottest, you don't need it there. Characterization: 5/10 There's a few times when the name Thanh, suddenly pops out of no where. Did you accidentally type in another name for the main female character? If so, you should be more careful. If not, then please clear a few things up. Who's Thanh? Or is there another meaning behind Thanh? Anyway, since 2PM is in the story, how come Junsu and Junho are hardly mentioned? Junsu was mentioned once or twice, but I don't remember Junho in the story. It was like as if he's not in the story. Please don't ignore some of the boys. Also, you didn't characterize any of the characters. Whether it's personality or physical appearance, you didn't describe anything. You did describe a few words, but that's not enough. Try to give a brief description once in a while, be more detailed. It was weird how out of no where, Chan Sun comes out in the story. He only appeared like once in a chapter, then he wasn't mentioned ever again. Same thing goes to the two fan girls. Writing Style: 7/10 In Chapter 1's forth paragraph, you have different dialogues from different characters all joined together. When someone speaks then another, they go in separate lines. We do not connect/ join them into one paragraph. Though, this mistake wasn't repeated throughout the chapter, but it did throughout the story. If you're just trying to lengthen your paragraphs by combining the dialogues together, it's wrong. That's not how stories are written. Also, I personally dislike the way how you change to a different persons POV. This is how you state it, "Woo Young's POV- She's so hurt.... etc." It's quite confusing and to make it less complicated, try separating the words "Woo Young's POV" in a separate line with the thoughts he's saying. Am I making sense here? Or, you can change the format around like this. "She's so hurt.... etc." Wooyoung thought to himself. It's easier to read also, don't you agree with me? Overall Enjoyment: 2/5 I enjoyed reading and reviewing the story. The only thing that I disliked was the fact that everything went to fast, and that some of the 2PM boys were hardly mentioned. They're still part of the group, right? In conclusion, I apologise if my review was a little harsh whatsoever. I'm just reviewing honestly. Sub-Total: 67/100 Extras: 4/5 Total: 71/105 (0 happiness)
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