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Lifeless Soul [Review]
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Author: Shadow Title: Lifeless Soul Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/hatred Reviewer: [ Sung.ii.ee ] Site: VST http://ver-sah-tyle.blogspot.com Title: 2/5 I. Don't. Get. It. Souls have a life? Well, apart from the huge philosophy I can pull out regarding your title (mind me, I'm getting away from the subject), it doesn't even match the plot (well, it matches only when it comes to its gloomy-ness. But other than that, it doesn't make sense). Poster/Background: 3/10 No offense, but I don't like it. It matches your storyline and the quotes are also around that point, but it was both a bit too big for my screen (well, mind me, I think Fred Flinstone's screen is better than mine but that's not the matter!) and too simple for what I expected. You could have requested one, it's not that much of a big deal. Forewords: 2/10 Short, brief, compact, too little. I think your warnings altogether were more than the actual plot insight. Personally, I like stories which start in the forewords, but I'll just pass for yours, since it's a one shot. Yet, you could have described and DETAILED what pushed Yuki towards suicide. Plot: 13/15 Something new to read, THANK YOU! It's not as if I was sick of love stories, but believe me, the drama that lingered all around that tiny chapter... I really needed that for my eyes. There's no J-pop couple or a couple whatsoever, and it's something new to read. There's a bit of supernatural regarding those open-close-open windows, but I'm taking that as a sign of her mental stability going down, since she's taken so much drama in too little time, right? Also, the suicide thing might be a bit disturbing for some people, and I'm thankful my mother isn't around, or I'd get thrown over the same window your character jumped through (mind her, she's overly religious...). Even so, the plot is confusing to the point of frustration, I don't understand anything (!!). Why was she so rejected? Why were her parents arguing? Was her soul that sensible to endure so little? If our lives were based on that plot, I think all teens committed suicide... Creativity/Originality: 8/15 However... The originality of your story isn't quite the strong point. I'm not saying that I've read that or seen it as an MV or a movie or whatever, but it seems just like the life of a fate-struck kid who can't take a bit of drama. Life is not all sugar and honey... But, regardless, the plot sliiiiightly reminds me of Serial Experiments:Lain. Yes, yes, that old anime. And I'm telling that because of the suicide-based plot and the name of Yuki Yamamoto (isn't she the actress who played Myu-Myu in SE:Lain ?). But remember, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Flow: 7/10 No major problems, since it's a one-shot. But it starts a bit too abruptly. I don't understand why she commited suicide and why was it such a big deal, to push her towards such a decision. Were there absolutely no ways of getting through? Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10 Slight grammar and tense mistakes. You should have someone double-check your chapter before you post it, so you can avoid situations like this. Characterization: 3/10 Again, nothing precise. Okay, she's depressed. Why? What made her so? I understand she fits the depressed stereotype and finishes off by commiting suicide, but it's completely confusing HOW she got to be like this. Confusing as in matters of not even mentioned. Writing Style: 8/10 You laced everything up with mystery, thumbs up for that. I like how you detail every little thing, but you missed an important aspect: you forgot to detail her past. Also, because the plot was so confusing and brief, you could have added some flashbacks, so your readers could digest the plot thoroughly. Like in the moment when she 'forced herself to remember'. Also, it's said that before they die, in a split second, people see their life before their eyes. You could have added a fancy and explanatory flashback while she was falling from the window. And that's how you make your readers understand. Overall Enjoyment: 3/5 No offense, but it was a news report written by a fancy novelist. "Teenage girl commits suicide because of being alone and misunderstood". Okay... So? It wasn't intended to sound like not caring for a suicide-er, but... There are so many like these happening nowadays it started getting a habit having to hear of them at TV, Radio or read about them. So... Yeah, didn't quite enjoy. Sub-Total: 57/100 Extras: -/5 Total: 57/105 (0 happiness)
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