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I've Beaten You [Review]
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Author: lovely_smile Title: I've Beaten You Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/lovely_smile/ Reviewer: ctanonymous Site: VST http://ver-sah-tyle.blogspot.com Title: 4/5 It drew my attention in, even though it was a short and simple declaration. The competition between Hebe and Aaron are clearly defined, but there could be some more of a romantic twist in the title. Poster/Background: 8/10 It's really cute and pretty! Everything except for your chapter titles are easy to read--the bright yellow chapter titles are harsh against the background. And, I like the picture used in your poster. Hebe and Aaron look very happy and romantic, which is the main theme of this story, but I think there should be more of a competitive atmosphere in there too. Btw, good choice of font color. It goes well with the background and poster. Forewords: 8/10 First of all, I like the way you defined beat in the beginning. It really relates to your plot and makes your story more interesting, and it certainly drew my attention. However, your forewords contain too little info. There should be some sort of preview or summary of your story so that the reader may know what it's about. Plot: 10/15 Your storyline is rather common and predictable. There are a lot of stories similar to this on Winglin, but I like how you added your own style and elements to develop it better. The characters were very sweet and adorable, and there's a lot of humor. However, it's too easy to guess what's going to happen next; you should add more excitement and twist to it. Creativity/Originality: 10/15 Again, this plot is very common and I've seen it a lot of times before. The events and thoughts in this storyline are very predictable, and it's very typical. Flow: 8/10 Your flow was not very consistent and straight. Most of the time the flow is just right, but sometimes you either slow down or speed up too much. Maybe you should just elaborate more on situations that tend to be a bit too brief, and edit a bit. For example, when Aaron discovers he had upset Hebe, it's too quick--the way he apologized and felt sorry was too fast. The transitions between Aaron and Hebe's relationship are too abrupt and sudden. Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10 Your vocabulary level is decent, and for the most part everything is fine, except for some minor mistakes throughout your story. The majority of your story is written in present tense, but you tend to switch to past tense in the middle of a chapter. You also have some mistakes in punctuation and capitalization. Ex: '"What exactly do you want," Aaron asks her coldly.' [chapter 16] -- Misuse of punctuation. Since Aaron is asking a question, the comma should be a question mark. Ex: 'Wu Chun's stomach then growls, and everyone burst into laughter.' [chapter 3] -- Switched from present to past tense. Should be '...and everyone bursts into laughter.' Stay in present tense throughout the whole story if that's what you're planning on using! Ex: 'Her Mom takes Hebe's hand.' [chapter 14] -- Capitalization error. Since "mom" is not a proper noun, it should not be capitalized. Characterization: 8/10 The characters are well developed, and I could know them pretty well. The thoughts, sentences, actions included in your story showed me a lot. However, most of the descriptions you write out feel too "above the surface," as if you aren't going inside the characters' personalities too much. I think more of their inner emotions should be exposed. Writing Style: 7/10 Your writing style was fairly good. Mostly, it was easy for me to understand what was going on, but it's kind of hard to read. The sentences are bunched up and it's easy for me to lose track of my place, so you should separate the text into paragraphs for more organization. You also lacked elaborate and vivid descriptions of the scenes in many places; it'd be nice if there were more details for better visualization. Overall Enjoyment: 7/10 The competition between Aaron and Hebe was very amusing, and it made me smile just reading their sweet relationship. I enjoyed it very much, mostly because it's Bebu, and your writing is impressive. But, it was a little...boring, and the story was pretty predictable. Subtotal: 77/100 Extras: 5/5 Cute poster, interesting storyline, and best. couple. ever. <3 Total: 82/105 Thanks for requesting from our site, and me as your reviewer. I'm terribly sorry for the long wait. Good job, and keep working hard! :] (0 happiness)
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