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The First Time, One Shot. [Review]
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Author: guilunrocks1 Title: The First Time, One Shot. Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/guilunrocks1/ Reviewer: Carabella Site: VST http://ver-sah-tyle.blogspot.com Title: - 3/5 Although the title leads readers to wonder what first time event the characters are going to experience, the title overall is not really interesting because once the readers know it is a rated R story, they will know exactly what you are referring to. The title probably shouldn't have included the words 'one shot' because for readers unfamiliar with the way fan fictions are written, they would expect that to add on an additional meaning to the story. However, if readers know what one shot means, then they know what to expect and the title won't attract the readers to take a chance on the story. Poster/Background: - 9/10 The pink background blends well with the colorful poster that features a couple, who is obviously happy with each other. The soft colors and smile helps to set the tone for the story to be light-heart and loving. A page of paper having the characters as the main focus emphasize on the point that the story is only about one part of the characters' life. Including the title of the one shot, the author's name, and where the poster was created helps readers to understand how the story was truly formed. Forewords: - 2/10 The foreword is useful to warn away any minors or readers, who are not suppose to or don't want to read rated R stories. However, the foreword didn't include anymore details beside the characters being Arron and Guigui. Together, the foreword and title pretty much tells the readers that the story will be about Arron and Guigui's first sexual experience. The characteristics of Arron and Guigui were not included in the forewords to give readers a feel of how the characters are and what to expect. Plot: - 8/15 Overall, the story only contained the main idea of the characters getting sexual together, but didn't include enough descriptions about the how, when, and where the sexual encounter happened. Since there was only one thought to fuel the story's idea, there wasn't much the author could develop without adding more details; so the plot just satisfies the simplest rule of having a beginning, middle, and end. With all the dialogues, there was not enough substantial information to develop each character's personality and fuel the readers' imagination. Creativity/Originality: - 10/15 The title simply stated that the story will be about a couple's first coupling together. The plot is a little different than others because the characters were an imaginary couple that adds on a fairytale like quality to the story, since they are feeling extremely blessed to be together. However, the rest of the story is like any other typical story about two people getting together for their first sexual encounter. There were no unique details besides the bare minimum of how sex occurs, which only serves to convey the author's main idea for the story to begin with. Flow: - 7/10 Although the readers can understand the general storyline, the story doesn't flow as well because there are not enough transition words and the story is not written with enough details for readers to envision the story like a movie. The writing would have flowed better if it was done for a movie. Awkward sentence structures confuse the readers and distract readers from the pleasure of imagining what is being said with each word. Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: - 6/10 1. Original: Guigui and Aaron was at their make believe marriage house. Correction: Guigui and Aaron were at their make believe marriage house.(There is a problem with the subject and verb agreement because there are two people, yet you used the verb 'was' for singular subject.) 2. Original: However, after all the crews and camera were gone, they still felt like a staying for awhile. Correction: However, after all the crews and camera were gone, they still felt like staying for awhile. (There is no need to add the indefinite 'a' in front of "staying" because 'staying' is not a noun. An indefinite only goes in front of a noun.) 3. Original: He always wanted to hug her from the back but there was always camera around, so he resisted. But now, he can do anything he wants since they are alone now. Correction: He always wanted to hug her from behind, but there was always a camera around; so he resisted. But now, he can do anything he wants, since they were alone now. ('From behind' just sounds better than "from the back" and makes the description clearer. Once again, there is a problem with the subject and verb agreement.) 4. Original: On that very night, they shared their first kiss and she couldn't stop smiling afterwards and refused to tell her members even thought they felt that something was wrong with Guigui. Correction: On that very night, they shared their first kiss and she couldn't stop smiling afterward, refusing to tell her members why even though they felt that something was wrong with Guigui. (The repetitive use of the word "and" made the sentence sound like a run on; so replacing "and refused" with 'refusing' will help the sentence flow more smoothly. An explanation as to what was refused was needed; so adding 'why' in the sentence would really help clarify what was implied. Instead of "even thought", the conjunction 'though' with the adverb 'even' is correct to use before the subordinate clause.) 5. Original: He then squeezed her breasts harder, causing her moan again. Correction: He then squeezed her breasts harder, causing her to moan again. (Without the adverb "to", the sentence will imply that "moan" is a noun, rather than a verb.) 6. Original: He also removed her shirt, and unbuckled her bra showing her breasts. Correction: He also removed her shirt and unbuckled her bra, showing her breasts. (Since "unbuckled her bra" cannot stand alone as a sentence, a comma is not needed.) 7. Original: Guigui buried her fingers in Aaron's hair, and pulling him closer to her chest. Correction: Guigui buried her fingers in Aaron's hair and pulled him closer to her chest. (The same tenses were not used because "buried" is in the past tense, while "pulling" is in the present tense.) 8. Original: Holding her by butt, he carried her into their bedroom while continuing to nibble on her nipples and kiss her. Correction: Holding her by the butt, he carried her into their bedroom, while continuing to nibble on her nipples and kiss her. (The indefinite 'the' in front "butt" makes the sentence sound more complete.) 9. Original: He placed her carefully on the bed, kissing, sucking her neck and her nipples. Correction: He placed her carefully on the bed, kissing and sucking her neck and her nipples. (Since "bed," "kissing," and "sucking" do not belong in the same category, commas are not needed to separate the items as if it was a list.) 10. Original: As he kissed her stomach, his hands reached down to unbutton her jeans and pulled it down throwing it aside leaving her only in her underwear. Correction: As he kissed her stomach, his hands reached down to unbutton her jeans and pulled it down, throwing it aside to leave her only in her underwear. (Too many actions are expressed at the same time without the proper transition and tenses to make the actions flow.) 11. Original: He kissed Guigui passionately as he cupped her breasts, giving them sudden squeezes that she keep moaning. Correction: He kissed Guigui passionately as he cupped her breasts, giving them sudden squeezes that kept her moaning. ("Kissed" is in the past tense, while "keep" is in the present tense.) 12. Original: She felt her stomach raise, an unknown sensation came over he. Correction: She felt her stomach raise, an unknown sensation came over her. (The wrong pronoun was used.) 13. Original: She nod her head and he reached up and gave her one last kiss before slowly inserting his penis inside of her. Correction: She nodded her head and he reached up and gave her one last kiss before slowly inserting his penis inside of her. (The wrong tenses were used.) 14. Original: "It will be all over soon. I promise." Aaron said as he pumping into her slowly and kissed her, but picking up speed. Correction: "It will be all over soon. I promise." Aaron said as he kept on pumping into her slowly, kissing her while still managing to pick up the speed. (The wrong tenses made the sentence awkward to read.) 15. Original: Guigui was just getting used to his penis inside of her, soon pain becomes pleasure and she wanted more. Correction: Guigui was just getting used to his penis being inside of her, when the pain started to become pleasurable and she wanted more. (Using "soon" as a transition wasn't helpful because it didn't help to keep up the flow of the sentence.) 16. Original: She swing her hands around his neck while his free hand cupped and squeezed her breasts. Correction: She swung her hands around his neck, while his free hand cupped and squeezed her breasts. (The wrong tenses were used once again.) 17. Original: "Gui, you're so tight." he said as he wildly thrust into her making her grab the sizes of their bed sheets. Correction: "Gui, you're so tight." he said as he wildly thrust into her, making her grab the sides of their bed sheets. ('Sides', instead of "sizes" makes more sense.) 18. Original: Guigui was cutting apples preparing to give it for him. Correction: Guigui was cutting apples, preparing to give it to him. (The wrong preposition was used.) 19. Original: Again, he was fighting the urge to hug her from her and do her again and again. Correction: Again, he was fighting the urge to hug her from behind and do her again and again. (The prepositional phrase was not completed correctly.) Characterization: - 5/10 Besides the characters being a make believe couple, there were only a few pieces of information about each of them.Since there were a lot of dialogues and not enough details, the characters' personality cannot be as clearly defined for readers to understand because dialogues convey tones, while details develop the story overall. Writing Style: - 7/10 The one shot seems to be written in the style of a skit for a movie with lots of dialogue. Without details, there is little for the readers to imagine and dream about; so instead of being a story, the one shot was more of a set of actions that were missing its actors. While the writing style is interesting and can be useful in writing a play, the style is not really suited for writing a one shot unless there can be an addition of a ton more of descriptive details that can capture the readers' attention and bring them into a world, where it is only the readers with the characters. Overall Enjoyment: - 1/5 The ideas in the story were a little interesting with the characters being a make believe couple. However, the plot wasn't developed as well with one thought flowing into the next smoothly. Instead of being for reading, what is written is more suited to become a skit for a film as the sentences conveyed numerous dialogues and actions without the benefit of detailed descriptions for the readers to imagine how the story took place and went from one idea to the next. Sub Total: - 58/100 Extras: - 3/5 The author should be rewarded for having the courage to write this story, post it up, and submitting it for review. Even though this review didn't get such a high grade, the author should still be encouraged to keep on writing to improve the writing style. The author is recommended to type more precisely and proofread to ensure that there wouldn't be points deducted for minor mistakes next time. Keep up the effort. Thank you for requesting. Total: - 61/100 (0 happiness)
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