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Timeless Duet ft Jang Ri In and Junsu [Reveiw]
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Title: Timeless Duet ft Jang Ri In and Junsu Author: JaE-LoVe Reviewer: ava_lava Site: http://ver-sah-tyle.blogspot.com/ *Title: 4/5 Although you totally matched it up with the ‘Timeless’ song you put on your forewords, I do not think that the plot goes well with the title you chose. You emphasized the word “Fate” a lot in your story, but never the word “Timeless.” Perhaps you could change it to “Fateful Love” instead, since it fits the story better. Nevertheless, it’s catchy, amazingly unique, and not too long (I hate titles that could basically make a sentence). However, in {Timeless Duet ft Jang Ri In and Junsu}, there is supposed to be a period after the ‘ft’, making it {Timeless Duet ft. Jang Ri In and Junsu}. Really minor, I know, but just be careful with those little things. *Poster/Background: 10/10 I loved the poster; it’s just beautiful! Did you make it yourself? I did not see any credits. It’s unique like your title, since the two main characters seem to be part of the poster and yet NOT part of the poster; I have never seen anything like it before; it’s just amazing. I also like the clock you put in there, further emphasizing the ‘Timeless’ thing you got going. However, with your background, there is a letter from Jang Ri In incorporated into it, am I right? Well, I would have preferred if you could have made it look like a letter, complete with signature and left justification and those sorts of things. Again, a little thing that you could ignore from me! *Forewords: 5.5/10 I liked how you put the song ‘Timeless’ into it. Most authors would have put a Youtube link or just put down credits like “This story is based on *insert song* by *insert artist*”. Yours was done very well, though it did not really relate to the story in general, I think. However, I would have liked the ‘Flashback’ part to be less abrupt. I mean, it does not take only two sentences from the girl Ri In to turn Junsu on. I would have done it gradually, like: 1. Ri In pleads but Junsu snubs her cruelly; 2. Ri In pleads harder and Junsu tries really hard to restrain himself; 3. Ri In cries and begs Junsu to take her while Junsu says nothing in order to maintain self-control; 4. Ri In hugs Junsu’s bare back and pleads some more, and THEN Junsu jumps her. Something like that. Just a little bit more flowing and less hurried, I guess. Moreover, there were some grammatical mistakes. {Caressing each part of her body lovingly as he made love to her, and finally collapsing on top of her breathlessly.}, for example, is not a sentence. {That was the last word he moaned before he entered deep slumber, not realizing the knife stabbing pain that name sent in her heart.} could be replaced with {That was the last word he moaned before entering a deep slumber, not realizing that it stabbed painfully at Ri In’s heart like a knife.} Oh, and by the way, I was a little confused with {She whispered stroking my face, as he was sleeping.}; it is not Junsu’s POV, so why did you write down “stroking MY face” instead of “stroking HIS face”. Maybe a typo? Lastly, {She didn’t regret a single moment, cause she knew there was at least a minute in there, where he truly did love her…and seeing her as Jang Ri In.} has many grammatical mistakes, mostly due to tenses: {She didn’t regret a single moment because she knew that there was at least a minute in there where he truly did love her… and saw her as Jang Ri In.} This may only be my opinion, but I really dislike it when authors introduce their characters in point form. It reveals laziness, incapability of expressing complete thoughts, and perhaps rushed work. People usually take notes to save time and trouble, right? Well, good writers don’t do that; they would instead take the time to express their characters as well as possible in order to give the reader a better idea of what the character is like. I mean, you did fine with the point form thing, but writing full sentences and actually describing their personalities in detail really gives off a better impression to the reader. Again, this is just my opinion, so you can take it or leave it. Then again, I liked the little four-line description at the end. Very nicely and poetically written. *Plot: 10/15 It was not BAD, I wouldn’t say; more like cliché. Chick loves playboy. Playboy doesn’t like chick but once he does, chick leaves. Bitch wants playboy, bitch conspires against chick, etc etc etc. Seriously? I would have preferred if you didn’t have all of these clichés going on. And about your sub-plots (plots within the plots; ex. Jaejoong and Haneul, Siwon and Joo Rin, etc.), they personally do not work that well. Sub-plots are made to enhance the main plot, to give it more depth, and to make things more interesting. Yours only had a whiff of interest to me. I mean, they all had the same idea: girl and boy finally get together after going through so much trouble with paparazzi, scandals, distrust, and so on. You could have put a sub-plot that was about something totally unrelated to the main plot, which usually works amazingly if you pull it off correctly. I’ll give you an example: {Girl loves Boy #1. Girl encounters Boy #2 who has a temper problem. Girl finds out Boy #2 lost his sister to a fire and thus became irritable. Girl becomes grateful that Boy #1 is still alive and loves him even more.} I know, it’s terrible, but it’s the best example I can come up with on the spot. Anyways, the boy who lost his sister to a fire has practically nothing to do with the relationship between Boy #1 and Girl, right? BUT Girl becomes appreciative after learning about something like that, and loves Boy #1 even more. Use your imagination and enhance your storyline. *Creativity/Originality: 9/15 As I said before, creativity was not the best point of this fanfiction. There were clichés EVERYWHERE, such as when Taeyeon starts screaming at Ri In not to touch ‘her man’. Ding dong, cliché alert! There was practically nothing that separated this fanfiction from the rest of them, since you basically followed a formula. The only thing I found original was Ri In herself, and then again, she was too perfect to be true (more detail in ‘Characterization’): nobody is perfect, so please don’t create characters like that. *Flow: 8/10 I think that things went a little too fast. I mean, the flow was continuous, but it was just, yah, too fast. You should have added more descriptions and made the events happen more gradual. Like I said for the forewords when Junsu jumped Ri In, make things occur slower so that it would actually seem like it would happen in real life. For instance, in reality, love takes time, and so does love-making and pregnancies (Joo Rin’s pregnancy came on WAYYY to quickly; have some more time for her symptoms to show up, perhaps?). Otherwise, the flow was good. Just slow it down a little bit to make more room for details. *Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10 Okay, I am huge on grammar, so bear with me. In addition to your grammatical mistakes in the Forewords, I found some in the next four chapters as well. In {Did you…even think twice about how I might feel different the next morning and have a realization of my feelings?}, ‘different’ serves as an adverb to the verb ‘feel’ and ‘have a realization’ could be replaced with something simpler like ‘realize’, creating the sentence: {Did you… even think twice about how I might feel differently the next morning and realize my feelings?}. Same with {He had kept her so warmly in his arms, under the silky royal red duvet.}: ‘warmly’ is supposed to be an adjective in this context, so change it to ‘warm’. Moreover, you do not use commas where they are supposed to be: {I SWEAR JANG RI IN YOU’LL PAY!} should be {I SWEAR, JANG RI IN, YOU’LL PAY!}; there are two commas. Look into those on the Internet or something. I love authors who use semicolons “;” as well so look those up while you’re at it. You POV’s were constantly changing without warning, especially in your flashbacks, and it was difficult to figure out who the pronoun ‘I’ was referring to—Junsu or Jang Ri In or somebody else. Please make sure that you stay consistent or else the reader would have absolutely no idea where you are going with it. A good writer would NEVER let his/her reader be confused during any part unless it was intentional. Make sure that all of your sentences make sense so that the reader would not have to reread it in order to understand. There were many spelling mistakes, and I am sure that they were all accidents. I know that you did not have time to check them or anything, but really, good writers would make sure that they DO check. Unfortunately, you lose marks for typos, so PLEASE remember to look through your work before you post it. By the way, “cause” is not the contraction for “because”, okay? It is just two more letters, so it wouldn’t hurt if you type them. *Characterization: 7/10 Biggest problem: Ri In was too perfect. I mean, do YOU know anybody who is beautiful, intelligent, hard-working, gentle, loving, and forgiving ALL THE TIME?!?! I mean, there is just no person who would be able to be like that. Make her bitter once in a while, make her god-damn angry, make her punch walls, just something that would make her seem more human! The only thing that could be considered ‘bad’ about her is that she mopes around too much and breaks down really easily. It seems as if she is just a weak too-pure girl who sort of clings onto Junsu because he is her life. I sort of dislike that idea since I am a huge feminist and do NOT believe that girls are so weak as to live life vicariously through their male counterparts. You get the idea. Make your characters more realistic. Again with the clichés. Taeyeon was depicted as the bitchy slut, right? Right. Well, you described her just a little bit too typically. If you had wanted to make your story more interesting, you should have added a little twist or something. I could already predict what Taeyeon was going to be like, which is bad because writers need to constantly surprise readers in order to keep them totally interested. Make her have a terrible childhood trauma or something that would reinforce her bitchiness. Take into account that not all people are TOTALLY evil, okay? Make sure that Taeyeon has a good side to her that will make her seem like a real person. Nonetheless, you contrasted the two characters I criticized here very well, so *applause* *Writing Style: 6/10 The biggest pet peeve for me was you overuse of the three-periods “…” I mean, I get that you wanted a dramatic pause or something akin to that, but good writers would not need to use them at all if they wanted to. Just by using the right words and grammatical utensils, they would already make the reader automatically feel that dramatic pause. For example, {Give me one more chance… that’s all I ask for…} could be replaced with {Give me just one more chance. That’s all I ask for: one more chance to make it up to you.}. You would instantly feel that there is a pause when the period and the colon come along. You could also use long hyphens like this to make your writing sound more breathless, so instead of {My heart aches every time I reminiscence each moment I made love to you and heard your loving pleads, for me to give you a little piece in my heart…}, you could write {My heart aches every time I recall each moment that I made love to you and heard your loving pleads—for me to give you a little piece of my heart.} (by the way, ‘reminiscence’ is a noun, not a verb). The letter Ri In left? Well, it just looked messy. If you could have spaced it out, made neat paragraphs, and signed it correctly, it would have looked much more attractive and easier to read. It looked as if you pressed the ENTER button after every sentence, which is, to an extent, sloppy. Please make sure you take the time to make things neat, presentable, and easy to read. I’ve done an example along with some grammatical corrections: {My dear Sweet Duck Butt Dolphin Junsu, I left your favorite breakfast cooked for you. Junsu, don’t ever blame yourself for my pain. I always knew about you and Taeyeon after the day we shared our first kiss by the soccer field. One thing is for sure, Junsu: I don’t regret a single thing for you. Your passion, love and the determination in your eyes were one of the things that I loved and admired about you. Though I loved every part of you, your pure soul captured me. Thank you for letting me cherish the moments of love with you. Thank you for making me realize how much more I love you now than I ever did before; I will love you more than anyone else. Thank you for making me feel loved even if it was just for a moment. But most of all, thank you for making love to me and making me the happiest girl in the world by forever imprinting me as yours. I wish I could tell you so much more and tell you how much every single memory meant to me—like heaven. But it’s time that I leave and go. I have to find my own way and my own path in life. It was fate that brought us together, Junsu, and it will be fate if we meet again. This was our love, our moment—who knows if we’ll meet again or not—but I’ll always keep you in my heart, Junsu. I’ll miss you, my cute dolphin; you’re my sweet duck-butt. I love you, Kim Junsu; don’t forget that. Yours always, Jang Ri In} There. It’s spaced out, easier to read, and has a structure to it. *Overall Enjoyment: 4.5/5 Although I have read hundreds of other fanfictions just like this one, it still has its charming effect. Thanks and good luck! *Sub-Total: 70/100 *Extras: 5/5 Just because DBSK was in it =) Always Keep The Faith!!! *Total: 75/105 Remember, I am a really REALLY harsh marker. Don’t feel offended by anything I say because I am just trying to help you improve your writing. If you do not agree with my point of view, then by all means, don’t listen to me =) (0 happiness)
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