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Dangerous Connections [Review]
Sunday, January 7, 2007
Author: Ambie Title: Dangerous Connections Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Amie/ Reviewer: SaMaNtHa Site: VST http://ver-sah-tyle.blogspot.com Title: 2/5 Umm....your title is okay but I don't really think it fits your plot. Of course it is dangerous to fall in love with a teacher but you could of named it something different a bit more unique and original. Poster/Background: 0/10 Your poster didn't work and your bg was too colorful and it had too many things on it. If you had a poster I think it would've caught more attention and gained you more readers. The bg was too much it overpowered the font and it doesn't have anything to do with the mood or theme of your story. My first impression of your story was that it was going to be a fun and romantic story because of the color and all the shapes but it wasn't like that at all. Forewords: 4/10 Your forwards was a bit short. It had all the information though which was good. Your intro/prologue was very boring. It's an interesting plot but how you wrote it made it boring. If I was a reader I wouldn't read it because it didn't seem interesting. You should of wrote it with more emotion and make it the hook by telling your readers some parts of the plot and not the whole thing. You should also leave a question at the end so it'll leave your readers thinking and wanting more. Here is my example of a strong hook, 'What happens if you fall in love with a teacher, a music teacher? You love him but does he return your feelings? Does he see you as a student or as a woman? If you two went out will things turn bad? Will students think of you differently will you get in trouble for falling in love with Mr. Kim? Will these thoughts ever happen in reality? A student and teacher falling in love? Impossible right...or is it?' See something like that is a bit stronger right? It makes your readers want to read on. You need a stronger hook and I didn't like how you wrote in all caps...is there a reason for it? It doesn't look good and it makes the eyes hurt. So just fix that and your foreword will be better. So I'll give you some points for your information! Plot: 5/15 I don't get the plot. I get the idea of what the plot should be about. But the plot wasn't very visible it wasn't strong nor straight to the point it was confusing, my thoughts were what is happening and what is the main point of the whole plot. I think it was a bit cliche because of the idea you used in the story. I've reviewed a lot of stories like this one where students and teachers falls in love. It's pretty predictable too. So next time I think you should add more information so people will get the plot and add different ideas as in conflicts so your readers will get surprised. Creativity/Originality: 4/15 Like I said above it wasn't very original nor creative. I thought it was a simple story to write because nothing really happened in the story. These type of storyline are very common among Winglin so its not very original, its predictable because I've read these stories a lot of time. Flow: 10/10 The flow was okay. It was reasonable for a one shot and it only took place in a day so I thought the flow was good. Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10 There were a lot of spelling mistakes that you need to fix for example you wrote toughing instead of touching. You also like to shorten your words like you would be U. Which is not very professional. You also don't capitalize your I's. You also wrote sexi and not sexy. plafully should be playfully, wanedt should be wanted. You frequently add words that are not needed in your sentence so it makes it sound weird for example, and you also need to work on your past tenths. 'As you walked in there were not many people here today which was nice. You blushed when you saw your music teacher Kim Jonghyun. He was singing and playing the piano. You remember that the song he was playing was a song he had recently wrote called Your Name. ' It should be more like this so it'll be more clear, 'As you walked in there weren't as many people there today which was nice. You blushed when you saw your music teacher Kim Jonghyun. He was singing and playing the piano. You remember the song he was playing was a song he had recently wrote called Your Name. ' There are minor changes but it makes the sentence more complex. Your vocabulary was basic there were no big words you kept it simple which is okay but if you used bigger words it'll make the story more interesting. Characterization: 2/10 I think I got your characters? The girl is a student who fell in love with her teacher. And that's all. I didn't get to know her personality or anything. Since there wasn't much information about her. She was just a student who lusted for her teacher. Same goes for Jonghyun I don't really know what his character was about. of course he was a teach who also liked his student but that's all. The characterization in your one shot is very limited there are no real personality that you gave your characters. Writing Style: 4/10 Your writing style is simple. But you tend to use a lot of dialogue and not as much as descriptions. The majority of your one shot was dialogue. There were no details or descriptions, and not enough information on how the feelings started and so forth. So I think you need to work moreon the details and information and lower your dialogue usage. Overall Enjoyment: 1/5 I never really liked rated stories so I didn't enjoy it. There were not enough information on how they met or what made them build feelings for each other. There were a lot of mistakes so that was a big distraction. Sub-Total: 39/100 Extras: 4/5 Extra points for requesting here at VST! Hope you request graphics too! But I hope you learned something from this review and hope you improve! Total: 43/105 (0 happiness)
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